Alright, time to break the barriers.... LET'S GET PERSONAL!

I know, I know... It's already January 26th and I haven't put anything on here about New Years Resolutions or plans for this semester, or for that matter, anything! As far as you guys know, I have lived in a cave for the past month except for my small excursion to church that contained an incident on some previously mentioned stairs (to hear this story, read the previous post). I've been waiting for the right time to write about my "resolutions" because, frankly, they are the same as everyone else's.
     ~ Do well in school
     ~ Get into shape
     ~ Eat healthy
     ~ Grow spiritually
     ~ etc.....
Of course, these are all great things, and they are my New Years resolutions, but I didn't feel like they were anything special enough to write about. Then I heard something absolutely amazing and a genius idea for a New Years resolution...

Wait for iiiiiittt...  (Name that show!?!)

Get to know who you are as a person. Discover the things you like to do for yourself. Find the real answers to the weird but rather insightful job interview questions and think about why you answered that way. Discover who you are as a person because there is no better time to do so than when you are living away from home and deciding your future. If you know who you are, so many decisions can be made easier.

Now the question is, how the heck do you do that? Well, without really thinking about it, I discovered something very interesting and eye-opening about myself that I guess I knew, but never put words to it. Once I realized this about myself, it explained so much of my behavior and is helping me discover ways to change.

So what did I discover?

I have a fear of failure.

I'm sure all of you who know me and are reading this are like, "DUH! I could have told you that!" Well, to be honest, I never really knew that about myself. I know I am someone who will push myself as far as I can and then go even farther when I want something. I can't stand people who take advantage of the hard work of others without doing anything for themselves. I know that I have also been blessed to be pretty good at the passions I have pursued, for example cheerleading in high school and my classes both in high school and college. However, I never really knew about this fear of mine till my Grandpa told me I had that issue yesterday at lunch. Here's the story...

I was a cheerleader all through high school. I happened to have some good natural talent and after freshman year, I made it to the Varsity team and was on the Competition team Senior year. I absolutely loved it. Cheer was my life. I knew going to college would be a drastic change but the biggest change would be losing my team and the sport ( yes dad, sport) that I had grown to love the past four years. But college is a new chapter. I figured it was time for me to enjoy being on my own, hanging with my friends, taking interesting classes, and discovering my amazing future! Then we had our first football game. Only fellow cheerleaders who were as dedicated as I in high school would truly understand the pain in my chest as I watched the cheerleaders almost more than the football game. They looked so happy and they were having so much fun. I missed (and still miss) cheer. Every single game we went to, the same feelings hit me. I can spot cheerleaders walking around campus not by a bow or the word "cheer" on their backpack, but by their physical build and the shoes they wear (weird right?). But I had already decided I wasn't going to be a college cheerleader! At this point, I am out of shape and haven't done real cheer since last March. I can't try out. That's too humiliating! I will never make the team.

Then I had my talk with my Grandpa. The reason for our lunch outing was that I wanted to borrow The Lord of the Rings movies so my roommates and I could watch them. It's amazing how Lord of the Rings can influence your life! So we were catching up talking about the usual, school, the weather, my ward, etc. Basically, the same four or five questions that everyone asks a new college student. As we ran out of the basic topics to discuss, we somehow got on to the topic of sports and high school or something like that. I honestly don't remember how we got onto the topic of cheer but we did and my Grandpa made a very convincing argument that I should call the coach and ask what it would take for me to have a chance at try outs and that, if possible, I should go for it! I think he could tell that I really missed it. However, I was (and still am) very hesitant about it. Why? Because I'm scared. What am I scared of? Failing. One of the worst feelings a person can have is failure. It takes confidence, effort, and hard work to try to do something. And then to fail? No wonder much of the world remains neutral rather than shoot for excellence. Why try unless your chances of success are strongly in your favor. Of course, I argued against myself by agreeing with my Grandpa and saying "When you don't try to do something, you fail. But when you try, you have a chance at success". Why did I have to say that...? Well, the conversation continued and in the end, I promised that I would look into it and let my Grandpa know how things were going.

So now I'm faced with a tough situation. I'm so scared to fail, in fact, I'm terrified. I don't even want to call the coach and see if there is a chance because if there is no chance, I will feel even worse about my supposed "skills" from high school. On the other hand, I have felt so bad recently. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I'm not strong like I once was and I have lost some of the confidence I had Senior year. I can feel that there is something missing from my life. Now it's just up to me to have the courage to try. But can I do it?